jokes

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Just to be fair!!



TWINS
What about the blonde guy whose wife gave birth to twins?

He wanted to know who the other man was.

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A BAD DAY
Tuesday 1st May 2007
How do you know when a blond is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her cigarette!



lol

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QUESTION AND ANSWER BLONDE JOKES

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

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DIVORCE
"Ah, yes, divorce...,

From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet!"

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THE POLICE STOP

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding
and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this
vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove
box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after
I shot and killed the woman who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called
his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by
police, and the captain approached the driver
to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.


Captain: Could you slowly open your glove
box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.


Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove
box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?
I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer
who stopped you said you told him you didn't
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the
trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding,
too.

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im sorry about the length of some of these but i just couldn't resist the last one.

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ADAPTATION OF THE RAVEN

Adaptation of the Raven

...try reading this one out loud...


Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision
bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the
floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat
there, doing spreadsheets:


Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the
drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE
command But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry,
Ignore."


Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the
top ones. Clearly I must now adopt one - Chose: "Abort,
Retry, Ignore."


With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the
keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all
would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Finally I
pressed a key - But on the screen what did I see? Again:
"Abort, Retry, Ignore."


I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but
twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I
had seen before. Now I typed in desperation, Trying random
combinations. Still there came the incantation - Chose:
"Abort, Retry, Ignore."


There I saw, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine
accosted; Getting up, I turned away and paced across the
office floor. And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and
blinding flash of light, A lightning bolt that cut the night
and shook me to my very core. The PC screen collapsed and
died, "Oh no - my database", I cried!


I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your
data-Nevermore!" To this day I do not know The place to which
our data goes Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have
it stored.


But as for productivity - well, I fear it has gone straight
to Hell. And that's the tale I have to tell - Your choice:
"Abort, Retry, Ignore."


-- Decidedly NOT Edgar Allen Poe

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TYPES OF COMPUTER VIRUSES
Sunday 15th April 2007
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

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TOMBSTONE

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."

The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

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EXCESS BILLING HOURS

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

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ACTUAL STUPID QUESTIONS ASKED

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

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yea the last one i cut down to about half

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YOU WON'T GO TO JAIL
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

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There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

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JUST A BLOW JOB

The couple gets to the girlfriend's house after going out when they're at the front door
the boyfriend asked the girlfriend:

"Before you go in , why don't you give me a blow job?"
She says: "what? Are u out of your mind?"
"just a blow job , one really quick , come on baby"
"are you crazy , what happens if somebody see us"
" oh come on .. Just lick the head then , please baby"
"I already said no … so quit asking for it"
"I know you like to do it , so just do it please baby , I'm going to explode
is just a blow job"
"I said no , ok?"
"come on , don't be like that, just a blow job"

In that moment the sister shows up at the front door wearing pijamas looking all
sleepy and with her hair all crazy and says:

"My dad says that you need to give your boyfriend a blow job , if you don't want to, I'll do
it , if not , he said that he will come downstairs and he'll give him the blow job , but please
"ASK YOUR BOYFRIEND TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE SPEAKER AND LET US SLEEP"

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I MUST TELL

After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her
bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby." "What's wrong,"
the alarmed mother asked? "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It
means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my God, that's
wonderful!", the mother said, "You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

[LuNaR]

[ACE]

nice darken [EMOJI:https://resources.enjin.com/1489581540/themes/core/images/emojione/svg/1f44d.svg?0]

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I love those ads that say: 50,000 satisfied customers can't be wrong.

Maybe, but they sure can be stupid.



DIVORCE
"Ah, yes, divorce...,

From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet!"


You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

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I GET NO RESPECT

"Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

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WHY ASK WHY

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

[KG1]

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I am a peripheral visionary, I see the future but only way off to the sides.

I once accidentally put my car keys in my apartment door and it started up. So I drove it around the block. Cop pulled me over and asked where I lived, i said,"here".

I was once stuck on a ski lift with a guy who turned to me and said,"I just escaped from prison where I was being held on a life sentence because I would torture and kill random people." I said," oh yeah, I remember you".

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Nice KG1

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(Well it seems my keyboard has a mind of its own so let me continue.) Finally someone puts something out there but me....oh and lunar.